(I wrote this when I was 17 but it is still mainly true)
sunlight streams. periods prevail. boxed people. white walls. beliefs. myself. random songs create who we are. lists. trees. stale thoughts. words. hear. listen.
I am a radical agnostic. Some people might guess.Others don’t have a clue. Do clothes write out your personality for the world to read? I try to change constantly, keep people off guard. Multiple personalities. hung in the closet. Sometime clothes project an image thatdoesn’t apply. One time I was at a county fair exploring the writing section and the woman on duty said, hey you should take a break roping and write a poem sometime. I had on carhartts and a cowboy hat but have never herded cows inmy life, which just goes to show you.
I don’t think I know myself very well, there is always something hiding, just beyond reach. I can’t describe my lack of religion. It just is. I would rather observe others and hope they find me invisible. I like to think I hide my identity very well and it doesn’t poke out, put is folded nicely behind my eyes. I am probably wrong about think but my heart speaks to my mind when no one else can listen.
(insert thoughtful silence here)
I can’t find a point sometimes. I need to decide if there is a reason to fight for my education. For it would be a fight. Working on the side. Scholarships maybe. Loans. Nothing people haven’t done before. This is not before. This is now. This is me. I don’t want to be in debt to any thing, being or state of mind. Independence is key. If boxed, I will fail and loose my ideas of life. Ideals are important. I have to believe. I can’t. I should find an island, go sailing and start a farm. Write for myself. This would make me happy.
I am not sure where the Rebecca came from. I asked my parents once but they had no answers for me. Eaton was my Great-Grandmothers maiden name. I know nothing about her but think she lived in England, or at least was born there. Wyllie is Scottish from my father’s family. They moved to America in various stages stopping at Hawai’i and the Philippines in turn for a number of years. My mother told me de means ‘and’ in Spanish. It is legally there so I can choose either last name while leaving the other behind. She also told me Echeverria means new house. Apparently if a newly married couple moved to the woman’s home they took herlast name and vice versa, but if they bought a new house the took Echeverria for their name. I think there must be a number of in Spain people with my name.
The way we kill and kill and kill. Nobody notices. I don’t notice. I am racked with guilt. I am guilty. I think I should feel this always but go back to reading a fantasy book. We are waiting for the burden to be lifted. At least I am. Empathy sounds nice but distantly unreal. Clear cuts are painful. The way they strip a community in days. Melt everything down for erosion. There are so many pressing topics. I am overloaded. Choose to ignore the calls. signs. warnings. disasters.